Ask Magnuson

hunnyluvs wrote:Magnuson,

Some people say you're just an escaped mental patient.
And that would explain the hospital gown, and the bed sheet.
Is this true?
Why should anyone listen to you?

-concerned

Bebe wrote:Are those special jackets comfortable?

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!


They are! You'd be surprised. Magnuson always feels very 'tranquil',
when wearing the special jacket. Erm, or it might be those very large
pills those nice young men who held me down, stuffed down my throat
(em, they said they were pills).

TokiKonoe wrote:Dear Magnuson,
what kind of music do you like?

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



Well, Magnuson has to use Hunny's account to answer your questions.
It's not so much that I'm a ghost, or imaginary, or institutionalized
(and no one is saying I should be)(Well, except for that one doctor, but
no one will be hearing from him again!. he he. erm, I mean, he changed
his mind!! (yea, that's what I meant. *shifty-eyed*) So Magnuson speaks
through Hunny, but is an entirely different entity so of course doesn't like
the same music at all. For instance, Hunny thinks blues and 70's rock is hot.
She likes Jack White (but so does he) Does this mean anything? I don't know.
But I can tell you:
Magnuson does like:



and:



aaaaand;

MikiiCullen wrote:Dear Mugnuson:

Why are there so many stupid flies here? Is this an opportunity to make better my ninja skills?

Thanks,
Mikii.

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



It is!

And Magnuson is here to help.

Practice with this. It will make you a champion fly smasher!

~CLICK HERE~

Marie-Elizabeth wrote:Dear Magnuson,

do you like foxes?

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!




Well, these kind of foxes, Magunson heard are not good for eatin'


I once had a staring contest with one though, and he won. I fell asleep,
and when I awoke I had no clothes or wallet. I'm not entirely sure if it was
because the fox stole them, or if it had something to do with the 12 hits of acid, but one way or the other, several months went by, and long story short, here I am.

Other kinds of foxes can be good to eat



Oh wait, this is a family asylum, i mean, forum...

Marie-Elizabeth wrote:Dear Magnuson,

I have this thing for older men (I mean over 30yo at least) and big noses. The bigger nose the more attractive. Am I completely normal or am I freak?
Please, help me Magnuson!

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!

Magnuson wrote:

Well, there is that old saying, "Men with long noses, also with long hoses.."
But! That's copyrighted fire department humor *shifty-eyed*
So, um, we can't discuss "engines", and "hot burning..." em, houses, here.
*ahem* (Is it getting warm?)

It's not Magnusons' fault he likes firemen..a little. *blinkz*
Before I went crazy and was put in, I mean, before I chose
to move to this lovely retirement facility (for the human mind),
I actually was a house, and a fireman put me out. He came with his hose,
and squirted.. *pulls at collar* oh my, it is getting warm! *flaps self*

But here's what matters for you: an old hose
can't put out the fires as good any more!

Now, Magnuson's not suggesting you have to change
the size of the nose you date.
Just find one
from a different profession perhaps.
No more firemen.
Maybe a nice salad chef.
After all, salad chefs..
em, salad chefs..
Well, maybe that's not gonna be masculine enough...

MALE-BONDING CONVERSATION:
Body-Builder Jake: "So what do you do?"
Salad Chef: "I toss salad"
Body-Builder Jake: *punches*

Mmm.

Well, how about a nice Putt Putt Golf Operator then?
After all, Putters have well-practiced strokes.

Heh?

Okay, what about an ice cream man?!!!
After all, HE will give YOU the cone!

Heh?? Heh???


*looks shifty, and runs away, hoping to avoid trouble
for hydraulically suggestive postings*



I follow my nose!

Marie-Elizabeth wrote:Dear Magnuson,
I talked with Hunnyluvs, and it seems that she is concerned about if there's someone else under your sheets. I mean, it doesn't look there's only your legs there.
Please tell us?
We can't ask you questions sincerely, without being sure about there's no third party listening our serious problems.

Thank you, Magnuson.

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



Em, it is only my legs. I'm just levitating.. a little *looks shifty*

You know.. levitating.

*waits*

*sweats*

*bursts into confession*

Okay Okay!! I admit it!
I have a small family living under there. I'm subletting
(it truly upsets them every time I do, too. *waits*)

(I told ya' I was gonna work some fart humor in here! )

Wait. *checks* Hmm, they don't seem to be moving any more..

Well, it was probably the lack of oxygen. Or something.

Oh well. So I have a place available. Anyone need a place to live?? *blinkz*
Cheap rent!! Easy maintenance!

It's heated.

Daffy Duck wrote:Can you post magnusons family tree?
I want to see if they all wore his special jackets ,so photos only please.

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Well, when Magnuson was born, it made his family feel...happy!





grandma magnuson especially wanted to thank the doctors for delivering me





This is grampa magnuson. He doesn't say much,
but we always know where he is.



Mommy and Daddy Magnuson


Uncle Fester Magnuson


The Magnusons we don't talk about -


my sister


Here is "incarcerated for selling bogus real estate magnuson"...


Aunt Dottie
(Now there's a Magnuson who made her mark..well, it was more like a watermark ..


This is Great Grampappy Magnuson!



And here is his grandfather (see the family resemblance?)


Now you may notice, my family hasn't really done, well, anything.
But it's not their fault. You see,
they've been all tied up!

Magnuson wrote:

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



A serious answer is to stay indoors, don't go outside, at all, for three days.
If you cant do that, I'm afraid you may have that cold for anywhere from one or two weeks to a month or longer.

So then you'll want to know how to live with it.
Well...here's what you do: when the nurse isn't looking,
hit the patient next to you over the head with your lunch tray.
That will distract him, so you can steal his meds.
Take his meds, and if you feel better, ok.
If not, go sit next to someone else at lunchtime tomorrow.

Oh wait, you prolly cant do that because you don't live at Green Acres.

Well, in that case, I suggest: punt!

................................

Ellen McFelon wrote:

Dear Magnuson,
Some things make my butt look big.
And some things don't.
But I can't get back there to see which way it is.
Should I hire an assistant?

(he he, get it? - an assistant? he! he! . ...oh.

Magnuson wrote:

Well, if you'll just untie this jacket, Magnuson can feel it for you, and 'see'. ..Oh, didn't I tell you? I am blind today, and will have to use my hands. It is okay. I am a licensed ass-master. (well, someone called me that. ) (I assumed that's what he meant. )

Now, girly, if your posterior is getting to where it needs its own zip code, Magnuson suggests stop sitting around wearing the little jacket all day (oh wait, that's me) hey, did you ever think, you could just kick one of the nurses, and then run! It will be fun AND you'll get some needed exercise!! (And if they catch you, just think of what you'll get then as "a massage" (Magnuson knows all the ropes.)

Hey could you do me a favor? Would you come visit me, and untie my coat? *blink* There's a good girl. Now, have you ever heard of a "conjugal visit"?.... Hey, where are ya going?? Aaaw... Magnuson never gets any *resumes being crazy, in lotus position, awaiting the next question*

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!

EllenMcFelon wrote:

Dear Magnuson,
Why can't people just be kind?

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



Oh but people do come in all kinds. The mean kind. The kind kind. The confused kind. Oh, I know what you're thinking, that's my kind. Well kind of, but it's not very kind of you to think that. Hey! I kind of wandered a bit. What was the question? Oh yea. Well, they can't be kind because they're a bunch of behinds! That's what Magnuson says.

ShakeyPete wrote:Magnuson, rumor has it you're just a man with a loose screw and no pants on under that sheet. What do you have to say to these allegations?

MAGNUSON KNOWS!!



No, it's not true, I "tighten my screw" all the time (he he, he ). And as for pants, well.. pants. Got any? They took mine away. But it's okay because I have a small family of immigrants under the sheet, working hard, making stuff for Kathy Lee Gifford.
Every once in a while they light a small fire, which keeps us both warm. Other times it's the chili that keeps Magnuson warm down there, but that usually results in a slowdown in production, so I don't want Kathy Lee to be too mad at me (she gives me 50 cents a day for this). Other.. Hold on.

*Fakes taking medication, then spits the pills out after nurse leaves*

I've almost got these straps cut through. Later I'm going to escape and come to your house to hide, erm, I mean, yea. Magnuson promises the immigrants don't eat much (After a while they don't eat nothin' at all. That's when some new ones come.. )

*starts tightening screw*

Em, this is private. (And disturbs the workers greatly).

*Tighten, tighten*

Okay, gotta' go!